My mom would’ve been 65 today. Oh, the teasing she would’ve endured.
I always wonder what life might have been like if she and I had been closer. If at most times, she hadn’t been a few words from making me roll my eyes. I know she and I were a lot alike, which didn’t help. I never had the reverence for her like you did for your mama. My mom was more an organic parent – past the age of twelve it was let me go off and figure it all out. What a great job I’ve done!
It’s supposed to be pretty today, very springlike before a couple days of cold. I wish I could take the pooch for a long hike, but he’s really struggling with his leg. Hopefully they’ll figure that out today. I want him back to his running crazy self.
Hard day. Lots of mom thoughts. It’ll be five years this November, which seems impossible.
Oh, the losses.
I dropped Coop off at day care. His vet appt. is tomorrow, and as usual, I’m freaking out. He’s favoring the leg a lot at times. I figured this would be the last time he might be able to go for a while, and he was super excited.
I woke this morning knowing it would be one of those days, incredible sadness as I thought of you and missed you. It started yesterday. I went to my writing workshop, which was good. But one of the people in there (yesterday Katrina, six other women, and me. Can’t we get one other dude?) is an art teacher at Bellbrook High School. I believe her name is Paulette. Immediately I wanted to say, “Oh, I bet you know…” But I couldn’t open that can. One mention of you or the kids and I would’ve cried. Just might have been awkward. : ) mentioning you would’ve been harder. Never in my life have I said, “She was a friend.” Everyone who knows about you, on my end, is aware that you are my love, my girlfriend, the one I adore. I can’t say otherwise.
Tonight is trivia. Jon and Erica both had birthdays over the weekend, so I’ll be preparing an angel food cake with a whipped icing and strawberries to take. Maybe the cooking will lighten my mood a bit. I hope it does, as I’m so sad today.
Jackson Browne is on my iTunes today. “The Pretender,” specifically. I know I’ve mentioned it before as one of my favorites, but so much reminds me of us. One part especially.
Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight
The start of the best part of the song. Tear at the world with all their might. That gives me chills. The people without love, left without their dreams, never knowing the magic of what they’ve missed. They never knew how WE felt, in those perfect times we shared.
I’m going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we’ll fill in the missing colors
In each other’s paint-by-number dreams
And then we’ll put out dark glasses on
And we’ll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We’ll get up and do it again
The making love to exhaustion, obviously. But to me one of the most beautiful images ever written involves the paint by number dreams. Who paints by numbers? People still learning, people needing help.
Love is painting by numbers. It’s finding someone who can help you complete yourself, your painting of life. You can never master love, and you should always learn.
In you, I thought I had the person who would help me transform the painting. That together we could take away the darknesses and fears we both have and learn to be happy. I dreamed of so many great things for us.
It will be a quiet day here. Some writing, some cleaning, some job searching. This evening, trivia.
I hope you’re well, baby. I miss you.
I’m sitting here sorting through some old writing. Tomorrow is the first day of my writing workshop and I’m a little nervous. Not so much because I doubt my ability, but because I’ll be around people. Maybe a dozen people.
Yes, they’re writers. My people. Which makes it worse. : ) Writers are weird. The best of them are odd and skitchy, and the less talented are opinionated and arrogant and totally convinced of their own godliness. I’m HOPING I fall somewhere in the middle. : )
More and more it’s fine to just isolate myself. I have to rally to do the simplest things out of the house. The thought of a bunch of strangers, a few guaranteed to be obnoxious…deep breaths will be in order. I will do my all to make it a good experience. I’m hoping it’ll get me on track for some serious fiction writing. I still have an important story to tell.
I thought of you all day. Missed you in every little corner of the house. I went to the DAI and strolled with your presence beside me, wishing it could be the actual you so I could share the beauty.
When you don’t work, every day is either a Saturday, or somehow a Monday. I’m going to try to make this one a Saturday. Shouldn’t be hard, since it is.
Before the job loss, weekends were just as quiet. But quiet after a week of work seemed welcome. Now, it’s just another day with lots of hours.
I’m going to the DAI to see the still life exhibit and all my favorite partners in crying – High Noon, the sculpture I always think is you, a couple others. I’ll go to the Market, of course, and spend a few minutes dodging people. Maybe lunch as well.
I hope that these blogs mean something to you, like they do to me. To me, it’s a way to let you know I’m fine. To share with you a few details of the day. No matter how mundane. I pretend I’m talking to you. Looking at you. Often, silly as it may be, I have your picture up on my phone or computer while I type, just so I can see you. I’m hopeless that way. As well as many others.
I finished the first draft of my cheesy screenplay. It needs much work, but I finished a whole draft of something. I thought back and realized it’s been over 7 years since I finished anything of length. Wow. All the half-formed and drifting ideas, all the self-doubt. My inability to focus, washed away by a tale of apes and unicorns. Life is funny sometimes.
I miss you extra hard this morning. Some days, I wake up that way. I don’t remember one day in the last seventeen years you haven’t been my first thought, but some days I wake and know what a struggle the thoughts and feelings of the day will bring. Today will be a tough one, as I sift and sort and relive memories of us. It will be a day of good memories – times we made love, whether romantic or naughty or sexy, conversations we shared, those moments when our hearts seemed to beat through our chests.
Those memories come with longing and need, and my heart wants to explode with them.
Seems like on the sunny mornings, I’m more likely to take Coop somewhere for a long walk. Today, we went to Hills and Dales park for the first time. He loved the trail – tons to sniff and to pee on.
I drove back along Patterson Blvd. and the streets, saw the incredible houses that are there. Sometimes, you wonder what the hell people do for a living to live in houses like those.
I woke last night, thinking of you. I got to sleep in our bed last night, for the first time in days. For a few seconds, you were there with me. When I think of all the hours we spent in that bed, I can’t help but grin. Rushing upstairs as soon as you got here, having a romantic evening then leading you by the hand, you waking me up with a precious late night visit. And the few rainy mornings. Oh my…holding you with rain falling on the aluminum outside.
Today I found out that Cadillac Jack’s in Fairborn was sold. That made me sad. I remember Darrell and I finally going, us hanging out and talking and drinking and eating wings. All of my dart nights with my friends.
And Mondays after we got together. I’d go have a couple with Darrell, all the while thinking of zipping to the Pub to meet you, our time together, and going to Knights Inn.
Damn, I miss those days, and I’m sad to see another place change.
Somehow, everything in the universe aligned and I woke up in a fairly good mood. I know – alert the press! Really, I’m basing it on the fact that I went to bed at 10:30, took two Percocet, and only woke up once – at 6, but I went back to bed until 7:15. Coop got a bonus day of daycare, which thrilled him. I no longer take it personally that he’d rather be with day care than me – he’s a teen, and they like hanging out with their buds.
Linford published the newest OTR newsletter. You may get it, but I was struck by a quote he used, and his interpretation.
James Baldwin put it this way: “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word ‘love’ here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace – not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”
Love: let it be not just a feeling, but the broken beauty of what we choose to do.
Broken beauty. Wow. Of any songwriters, they seem to understand the double edged sword concept. Broken beauty. Beautiful piece of heartache. My hope, because I love their music so, is that they don’t know from so much personal experience as I do. We do.
I signed up for the next Katrina Kittle workshop. It was supposed to start last week, but there was a storm threat. So, I got to join. It starts Sunday, runs 5 weeks. I hated to spend the money, but I’m supposed to be living like good things will happen.
What I’m trying is so double-edged. I’m trying to wrap some good around a broken center. Around my smashed heart, I have to find a way to tape together some kind of life.
There is no LIFE for me without you. The concept of a LIFE without you disappeared on that morning in my Troy apartment,
I’m left with life. And a lot of days, I’m not really sure what that means.
Got dressed up, went to the job center, registered, went back…five minutes later I was done. Guess it pays to be organized. Plus, I got my first money today, which eased it a little. I have a great resume, but that means little so far. I am trying.
The money didn’t keep my insides from being knotted all day. I am not afraid of trying new things, but I wish job counseling from an…interesting place filled with…interesting people wasn’t among them.
I was watching a dumb show yesterday. Anthony Michael Hall guest starred, and gave a speech at moved me to tears, somehow. It was about not believing your own hype, not being a jackass because you think you know how it all turns out to be. Wisdom is wisdom wherever you find it, though. I vowed to myself to try my hardest to turn this life around. And I mean it. If it doesn’t work, I always have other options.
Words can’t show how much I’m missing you. Seems like a month already since the Nugget. It’s a week. I passed by there today and actually hoped I’d somehow see your car. Dreaming again, of course.
Now it’s dog park and dinner and TV and then bed. It does seem as if one day blends into the next. I got a schedule of events from MetroParks, and it looks like they might have some neat classes and events starting later in the month.
Coop and I went to Sugarcreek Saturday for a nice walk. About an hour of him sniffing. It was early, so I let him off his leash. He was the happy boy he was in New York for an hour, and that made me happy.
I hope your day was good.
I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch. It’s better for my back. Cooper looks concerned. He gets up from wherever he sleeps and checks on me a couple of times a night. Maybe it’s the crying that wakes him, but he’s very sweet.
He’s at daycare, my poor limping boy. He’s due back at the vet mid month, so hopefully they can find the source of the limp. He still runs and plays, just looks pitiful doing it. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious. I’m worried as hell, of course. Expect the worst should be my middle name.
The house is quiet except for crap TV. Somehow I got myself hooked on this weird MTV teen comedy called Awkward. They released the third season, so my day is set.
I am looking for work. Instead of assuming I know everything, I have decided to try harder. Even if it isn’t ideal, I’ll take a job if I can find one. It doesn’t change my overall plan, but I’m of the mindset to try some new things. Hopefully I’ll be able to write or create a little.
You’re back in town. Back to work, at long last. I’m happy for that, because I know you love it. I’ll do my best not to drive by- it’ll probably work, because you were never there when I tried! : )
I looked for work, shoveled snow, put up dishes, made model bacon and eggs. Should be a good day, right?
I hope you have a good day at work. Welcome back.
I love you.
I’ve been up since 4:30, listening to sleet hitting outside. Yuck. Going to be a day when it’s hard to get out, to walk the dog…his sighs of boredom will ring.
I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping between the bad dreams and the leg pain. At night it’s centered in my hip, making almost any position impossible to sleep. I’m trying to stay away from the Percocet as much as possible – too tempting to just be a little out of it ALL the time.
Of course, you know, as you slept in pain for months and months. I truly sympathize. Your only advantage is that you never slept much anyway. I
: ) I need mine, and two solid weeks of well interrupted sleep has me on edge.
I wish I had more explanations for you. I can only say that it’s an impossible decision – do I have none of you, or a little part that always makes me crazy? Either way I’m lonely, but it seems like when I add the frustrations of a part time relationship with full time feelings, it makes me feel extremely unworthy and unimportant as well. I’m so depressed already. I need to be careful about being more sad.
For the first time, I could really use someone to take care of me. I’ve always tried to be so independent, but nothing sounds better than someone looking after me, making sure I take pills for the pain, adjusting my blanket, comforting me. But my days of being mothered are over, I have no woman who can do that, and I don’t think there’s a Rent-a-Chick service in the phone book.
I hope you had a good trip. I saw your Facebook post and you seemed really excited. Who am I to try to deny you that? You have to live as you see fit. I guess we all have to do the same.